I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
