I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We need to get me chipped asap
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
