Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
