Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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