why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
