i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
