You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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