I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
