Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
