I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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