You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize