Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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