I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He? As in you personified your dick?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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