yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize