if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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