So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
