Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
