I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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