FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
