No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
