lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
