Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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