i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
