All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
