The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have fence marks all over my body
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
