yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
