sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
