So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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