I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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