have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
