a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
well most of my day revolves around power hour
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
