i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
