She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
