Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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