he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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