I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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