if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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