Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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