and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
