I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
