Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
