Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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