apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize