I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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