I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
