dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
