i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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