R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize