We named our party play list daddy issues
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
