she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
