I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
