what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
