You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
