Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize