mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
