So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
