i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
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