Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
