I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
