Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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