True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
