If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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