Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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