The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
