I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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