I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
