You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize