maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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