You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
